The Chronicles of Gonzo 26. Gonzo and sexual orientation One day Gonzo was in Thailand in the city of Pattaya. When he examined the orchid park, fed chickens to crocodiles, rode on an elephant's hump, swam in the Gulf of Thailand, gorged himself on fried maggots, frogs and grasshoppers, he decided to visit the world-famous nest of debauchery and free morals, Walking street in Pattaya. There was no Walking street nothing interesting - the idle public wandered around the cafe - the Germans cackled, the Pindos felt like masters of the world, the Russians destroyed their alcohol reserves. Gonzo joined his compatriots. The bad alcoholic heredity of the Alkanaut dad took its toll quite quickly, and Gonzo did not notice how a sticky tropical night fell on the city. When the Walking street shone with lights, Gonzo found himself armpit of a cute Thai girl. She looked devotedly into his northern blue eyes and chirped something in her bird language flavored with English idioms. Gonzo literally drowned in her eyes, black as a Thai night. When the degree of immersion in those slanted eyes, on the contrary, reached a critical depth, Gonzo moved from sexual maneuvers to assault. Having only 15 American money in reserve, and a rebellious libido, he could only count on the latter’s irresistibility and reached under the skirt of the Indo-Chinese charmer. “Are you all fagots here, or what?!” – Gonzo, stunned by the underskirt discovery, just managed to shout out to the entire Walking Street. When someone is called a fagot, it’s offensive. And Gonzo had no idea that in Thailand fagots are called nothing less than ladyboys, that is lady boy. Again, Thai lady fighters have been communicating with our compatriots for a long time, so they were able to appreciate not only Gonzo’s surprise, but also the extreme degree of offensiveness of the word “fag.” Thai fagots from Walking street, using local boxing techniques, blizzarded Gonzo for days on end, they were so offended for their desecrated fate. At the end of his strength, Gonzo said that in two hours he should be at the airport in Bangkok, where a plane was waiting for him to return the wanderer to his homeland. Thai lady-boys from Walking street took Gonzo by taxi to the flight check-in counter and even, as moral compensation for the beatings, they gave him a bottle of Thai rum and a portrait of King Rama IX. Thais love their monarch very much. In a word, they parted as friends, some even shed a few tears at the moment. parting. Gonza then realized that even ladyboys, transvestites and just fagots always have something masculine in their souls. Let it be even banal male solidarity and mutual assistance. Chronicles of Gonzo 7. Gonzo and the Mitki One day Gonzo came to the Mitki and said that he was going to live with them. It’s just that our hero didn’t have a single St. Petersburg character with a real residence permit in St. Petersburg, with whom he could live for free for a month or two. Mitka answered: “So, come on, live. As they say: we welcome good guests, feel free to enter the house. Wipe your feet, you bastards, keep it clean.” So Gonzo settled in with the St. Petersburg artists. They lived amicably and cheerfully. Gonzo told the fighting units of the fine subcultural arts about his life and meetings with wonderful people. Many of his stories later they were even reflected on Mitkovo’s canvases. Dmitry Shagin has already begun to think about giving this wonderful guy his old vest, he liked the little guy Gonzo so much. But it has long been known that if everything turns out so wonderfully, it means that some kind of trick will happen soon. And so it happened. Once Gonzo met a lady. The acquaintance took place on Bolshaya Pushkarskaya Street. Everyone knows St. Petersburg ladies. They love to make acquaintances with random passers-by, because for the most part they all came from Tambov or some Kazan and, therefore, never lose hope of connecting their lives with a native St. Petersburger, because this is not only honorable. Fuck a normal woman, is there some kind of honor there? The main thing is, what if this new departure turns out to be not only the grandson of a grandmother who survived the siege, but also the descendant of an aristocratic St. Petersburg family, not killed by the Bolsheviks. So there is a point in these casual acquaintances. Gonzo had some Russian money in his pocket. That is, very little, you can’t even invite a girlfriend to them, not only to the Pushkar pub, but even to the glass shop on the corner of Mir and Kirovsky. Therefore, our hero decided to bring the girl to the workshop of one of the Mitki. And since he expected to win not only the lady’s heart, but also to penetrate other hidden corners of her body, he naturally opened someone else’s refrigerator in front of her. “Help yourself,” Gonzo said broadly. In the refrigerator there was an unfinished bottle of Three Sevens port wine and a whole loaf of brawn. “Won’t you?” “The charming lady asked affirmatively. “I’ve already eaten,” he gallantly agreed. Gonzo, intending to show his agility later, when it comes to love, because he already knew the folk wisdom - men love on an empty stomach, not so much more harshly, but somehow more selflessly. When the Mitkas returned, the first thing they asked was : “Who ate all the brawn?” Gonzo only smiled mysteriously at this, remembering his sexual exploits. He did not yet know what brawn meant for the delicate constitution of a proper Mitka. These good guys, the Mitkas, could not forgive their new acquaintance for the heartless destruction of a week’s supply of brawn in the refrigerator. So Gonzo was expelled from the community of St. Petersburg artists. This incident showed him that you have to pay for everything in this world. And for casual sex, the loss is generally twice as large. Therefore, if you are already meeting girls, then do it on leaving the dining room, there is at least some guarantee that she has already eaten and you have no danger of being thrown out into the street after she devours someone else’s snack. And look for decent women, at least not on Bolshaya Pushkarskaya Street, so that you don’t have to be treated for clap later. It’s not for nothing that Gonzo visited St. Petersburg. Now he's a little wiser. 8. Gonzo and the Gender Mystery When Gonzo was a woman... you shouldn't be surprised, because Gonzo was a very amazing person. Therefore, sometimes, completely without any visible or invisible reasons, he could suddenly become a woman. Not because he changed his gender with modern surgery or because he became uncomfortable with his male nature. This metamorphosis happened just like that. Once I turned into a real woman with all the monthly consequences and anatomical protrusions third size and other intimate cavities. Gonzo was such an amazing person. So, when Gonzo was a woman, he once thought: what a freak and jerk Olo is. He’s always hiding, drinking beer, then farting, belching and smearing boogers on the sofa. It's strange that when I'm a man, he's my best friend. I need to think about this carefully when I become a man again. When Gonzo became a man again, he sat with Olo and blew beer. Suddenly Olo, as usual, burped loudly and immediately remarked: “It’s good that he’s riding! By the way, do you know that hic is a lost fart!” And Olo burst out laughing loudly and for a long time, rejoicing at his witty joke. At that moment, Gonzo remembered his thoughts about Olo, well, the same ones that came to him when he was a woman. He thought, thought and decided - what after all, women are fools. Here is Olo, a completely different matter, a cool, witty and resourceful guy. It’s good that he is my best friend. 9. Tragic love Somehow Gonzo, having once again turned into a man, fell in love with one girl. Good girl. She didn’t itch for no reason, she could not only support a conversation about asshole traffic cops, but she also loved beer and hockey. Lucky, in a word, Gonzo. He courted her for a long time. Well, there, he took me to the movies at his own expense, bought buckets of popcorn, and didn’t give a damn about other girls’ desires. He could, for example, walk with her to women’s stores for half a day and evaluate the “awesomeness” of the outfits that she tried on. In short, he loved her. He loved selflessly, like his motherland. Their candy buffet period lasted for a whole month. But Gonzo didn’t even hint to her about testing their sexual compatibility. However, whatever one may say, you can’t hide from the bed anywhere. One day they drank beer, then Gonzo bought an Alpengold chocolate bar with a bottle of champagne and invited his girlfriend to his bachelor pad, after washing the floor there, ventilating the room and hiding all the dirty clothes under the bath. The evening was a success. And somehow it happened by itself that they ended up in the same bed, and completely naked. Either the wine had an effect, or the girl felt the inevitability of intercourse, but Gonzo woke up only when he was already in a nest of crumpled sheets, puffing on a charming woman moaning with lust. When the girl’s gaze completely clouded, she whispered: “I’m going to cum,” a terrible thing happened ...Perhaps Gonzo's recent reincarnation from a woman to a man had an effect, or perhaps it was just him I wanted to level out the situation a little when he put the girl in such a position dependent on his frictions. But as soon as he heard this languid “I’m going to cum,” he reacted instantly, not understanding the origins of this impulse, and straight into the girl’s ear he yelled like a fool: “Not at me!” Gonzo spent the rest of the night alone and dissatisfied. And this story turned into an anecdote and went around the Internet. Then Gonzo realized that they don’t joke with love. Especially in bed. 10. Gonzo and the poet One day Gonzo sat down with a Jew in a street cafe. He was a real thoroughbred Jew, with a huge nose, stooped, small and thin, with a slightly protruding fleshy lower lip. “Wow, how much you look like Seryozha Dovlatov,” said the neighbor at the table. – If he hadn’t died, then I would have thought that you were him...- ?- There was such a magnificent writer, Sergei Dovlatov, my friend,” the interlocutor continued. - He died in America. - Why so? “Gonza somehow didn’t really like the resemblance to the Metvets.” “He wasn’t published here, and he went to America,” the Jew continued. “He was pushing around there for the first time too.” But then he became a wealthy man. But he himself is to blame for his death... - How is this? - In the end, they began to publish him, books began to come out, Serezha’s popularity grew. He then bought a house in the suburbs of New York, two cars, but did not bother to buy health insurance. When the attack happened, the ambulance took him to some run-of-the-mill hospital, where they mainly took poor Mexicans. And they took him there because he didn’t have this insurance. By the time his relatives found him there, time had already been lost, and there was no way to save him. If there had been insurance, he would have ended up in a decent clinic and they would have taken him out, but they couldn’t. At that time, a window in a neighboring building opened, and a woman who looked out shouted: “Raine, why are you here when you should be sitting in presidium - a second later she was already downstairs. “I’ve probably already smoked five cigarettes!” “No,” Gonzo decided to stand up for the old man, “just one.” “Young man,” the lady said over her shoulder. “In the old days, they gave a decent sentence for perjury.” The old man trudged after his lady and soon disappeared into the building opposite. This is how Gonzo met the magnificent Russian poet Evgeniy Rein. Thanks to this chance meeting, he later read all of Dovlatov, and our hero liked his prose. He read and Rein's lyrics, which made him fall even more in love with this wonderful Russian poet - Anna Akhmatova's literary secretary, friend of Joseph Brodsky and many, many wonderful writers and poets of our time. He fell in love with him at first sight, and still loves him. But I never got to meet him again. Although, who knows, maybe new meetings are yet to come.